(yesterday morning thoughts)
faces. i see his everywhere. and then i don’t, for months on end. he creeps back in during the quiet moments when i least expect it.
healing is so complicated. i had a tough few days. worrying about nonexistent things. the same questions floating around in my head. and then there it is, his face, everywhere i look. and it isn’t an evil face. it’s a calm, nonchalant, dead face. i don’t care about you face. i’m going to take something from you face. looking for you always face.
finding out where i live. walking into my office. joining my early morning yoga class that i love so much. settling into my pillows at the end of the day. finding me.
and then exposure. can people tell i’m so scared? that i’m trying so hard to keep my heart rate down? trying so hard to be a normal human being for a minute? can they tell i didn’t sleep last night?
(because i thought for 5 seconds that the sweater on the back of my bedroom door was him, and then i realized it was just cotton and not a quietly violent person, but it’s too late then, because i can’t seem to convince my body of the truth)
can my colleagues tell that i think i’m a fraud and that i’m too hurt to do this work and that i have days where i wonder if i’m the right person to support others who have experienced what i have? can they tell that there are days that i’m terrified that he will walk through the front door and i’ll discover he works here now?
it’s absurd (of course he wouldn’t come here, why would someone who hurts others actively seek out employment with those who try and lighten the hurt?), but that’s the point, it never seems to make sense. paranoia, escalation, fear, panic, none of them make sense to me.
all i can do is live through the days, however they look. wake up exhausted and live through the day. wake up not exhausted and smile during my morning walk. wake up happy and rested and not afraid. wake up quiet, introverted. wake up. walk through my day. keep going.